Your mouth is God's brothel.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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