I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
