are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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