I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
