He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
