I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
