so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
