We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
is wine microwaveable?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
