I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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