Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
