Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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