we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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