My Higher Power is John Stamos
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
