My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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