YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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