Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm like, not good at living.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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