mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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