I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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