No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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