Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
