...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
