I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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