Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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