i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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