He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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