I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
