Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
