I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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