and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
