I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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