Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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