We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
