So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
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