So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
