i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
