Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
my poor anus
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
