I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
