Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
