Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
