got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
