I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
