seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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