If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
