Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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