They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
