I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
