Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
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