i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
