i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
