he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
