You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
