when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
