i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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